Why Most Marriage Advice Today Gets It Wrong

Heather Gray thinks we tell people what they want to hear instead of what they need to hear.

However, this article, to me, represents everything that is wrong with so many relationships articles today.

There’s an air of entitlement these days when it comes to relationships and articles like this contribute to the problem. The focus has shifted away from the relationship to the individuals in the relationship. Advice has become about what we deserve, what we’re getting, what we’re not getting, and what to do if our needs are not getting met.

This kind of focus takes the “we” out of relationships and puts the focus on the two individuals in the relationship. I’m not getting…. I deserve…. Of course it’s necessary to come to relationships with needs and expectations and yes, we should all be clear with our partners about what those needs are. However, as soon as we focus on the individuals, we run the risk of creating unnecessary conflict in the relationship.

These questions create adversaries, conflict, and a power struggle rather than teamwork and partnership right from the start: “Until you can answer this, I’m not budging. I’m not moving toward you or with you, unless…” Two well intentioned partners can quickly find themselves on opposite sides when they likely want the same things.

Relationships at their core are about a partnership — a connection, agreement, or bond between two people. That connection is the essence of relationship and advice aimed to improve the health of relationships should support that ideal.

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